Tag Archive 'spiders'

Aug 05 2009

Be Aware (not Beware) of Unexpected Visitors – Issue #22

I’ve been waking up in the morning for the last few days with some nasty bug bites on my body. Not many, four so far, but they are big, red and painful. Last night I was afraid to fall asleep, thinking that IT, whatever it is, would come out in the dark of night when I’m sleeping and vulnerable and bite me again! I’m thinking it may be one of those big, thick, gnarly-looking black spiders. I imagine it cunningly waiting for me to fall asleep so it can crawl onto my body and sink its’ fangs into me like a mini vampire. Is it any wonder that I was wide awake until 3 in the morning!?

I believe that life is a mirror, and that whatever shows up in my life is reflecting some part of me. I asked myself what this is trying to tell me. The thought came to me…something is ‘eating’ at me. What is it? I sat with that question for a few seconds and then I realized what it is – I am afraid that cancer may still be lurking in my life, waiting to take a bite out of me, or it may already be gnawing away in the dark unknown of my internal body. Cancer is something that literally eats at us – it ate my uterus!

I had decided to try and stop dwelling on it, like my brother who stopped thinking about his brain aneurysm and it eventually calcified. But there is a very fine line between not dwelling on something and repressing it. How do you know when you have let something go or are just whistling in the dark? For me, that’s easy – sitting on my feelings is very much like accidentally sitting on my felines – they very quickly bite me in the butt and I am forced to face them.

As I am now facing my fears, I realize once again that the worst part of cancer for me is the anxiety about it. That is what I am resisting, that is what was eating at me like a spider in the black night. What I resist persists, in one form or another.

Now that I’ve brought my creepy crawly thoughts into the light of awareness, it ‘s time to do some Mental Aikido with them, coming into alignment with them, telling myself, “I know that you’re scared. It’s okay to feel scared. Let yourself feel it. It is natural to feel scared about cancer. It’s something we don’t have much control over. That is scary.” Deeper breaths come as I allow the fear and I am ready for the uptwist. “It’s true that cancer might reoccur, AND, right now you are fine, right now you are healthy and strong and right now is all there is.” I take a big breath into open space.

I am accepting that fear is a recurring visitor to my life, a teacher that is helping me strengthen my faith muscles, build my ‘trust’ fund, and create a belief in a friendly universe. It is also teaching me to feel compassion for myself and for others who suffer with fear and anxiety. I want to hug us all in love and strength and say, “Yes, I know what that feels like. I understand. Just know that we are so much bigger than our fear. We are so much vaster than a body. We are so loved and watched over.” Fully feeling my fear always leads to feeling the loving presence of my Big Soul Self.

Is there something in your life that is trying to get your attention, something that is ‘bugging’ you, some disowned part of you that is eating at you? Shine the light of awareness on it, and invite it to the party – there’s plenty of space for all of God’s critters that show up.


This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,?

Some momentary awareness comes?

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!?

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,?

Who violently sweep your house?

Empty of its furniture,?

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out?

For some new delight.


In Love,

Jan Jacobsen

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