Jun 12 2011
Worry thoughts about the state of my health have been nipping at my heels of late — much like my new kitten that I rescued, who is literally nipping at my heels, determinedly insisting on sinking her teeth and claws into life and into me! She is a persistent little whirling cactus! Her new big bro Bo (our other cat) is ten times her size and could eat her for breakfast, but to her he is a pony to mount and ride and roll around on and play with. He swats her away and she relentlessly bounds back. She is fearless! And fierce! And she wants to PLAY!
She is my current model for determination and unabashed living! That’s the spirit that helped this little one-pounder survive in the wilds all by herself for days, until a blonde giant (moi) strolled by and she cried out to me with a loud, bellowing meow. With that volume of voice I expected a huge cat, but instead a tiny ball of fur appeared from under the bushes, with an urgent, demanding, attention-commanding MEOW!!!
I need that kind of fierceness now. The universe is demanding of me, “Be HERE now”, NOT in the feared, imagined future. Trying to bring myself back to the present moment once fear thoughts have taken over, can feel as if I’m herding cats. My fears are like feral cats who see danger everywhere, even though love and aid is being offered. When my new kitten chose to trust the love that was offered, she hit the lotto and now is nestled in the lap of luxury. She is reminding me to be brave and trust like she did.
To help me come back to trust, I’ve been reciting in my mind the line from the poem Desiderata, that says, “Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” I take a deep breath of relief with that. As someone who has come to the planet to learn and grow and evolve my consciousness, I can see how my soul might have chosen cancer in order to galvanize me to get on with that work. I distinctly remember a time just before my initial diagnosis when I was lying on the couch watching television, feeling lazy and bored, and I had the thought, “What am I doing here? I’m frittering away my time.”
I’m not frittering my time away anymore! With fierce determination, ever since being diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been focused on transforming my hell-raising fears into heaven-raising faith. When I get off track, like I occasionally do, I always come back to my life-affirming practices of focusing on my heart, meditating, gratitude, trust, acceptance, deep breathing, walking in nature, and dancing. “I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing.”(Rabbi Hillel) That brings me back to an expansive place where I feel like a child at play with colored balls, or, better yet, a kitten at play with EVERYTHING!
We are all gods with amnesia, waking up to who we truly are. Sometimes the universe sends us things to help remind us…like cancer and kittens. When I think about the challenges we souls take on here on planet earth, I am in awe of our courage and spirit. I agree with Rumi who said, “When you see your beauty, you will become your own idol.”
How about you? Has life been calling on your fierce persistence and determination to return to the present moment and remember your powerful divine magnificence?