Tag Archive 'judgments'

Jan 03 2011

Christmas Mirror-cle – Issue #64

“Mirrors, mirrors all around, reflections of myself abound.

What most needs to be loved is found in what I judge in you.”

That is from a poem I wrote about projection a few years ago. Along the same lines, there’s a saying that goes, “If you spot it, you got it.” It means that what we see and judge in others is in us in some way. I would amend that to say, “If you spot it and you have a charge on it, then you got it.” We can spot things in others, but if it doesn’t have a sticking place in us and we’re at peace with it, then we don’t ‘got it’. But if we spot it and fought it (judge and resist it), to be sure, we got it!

Having cancer and not knowing how much longer I have (do any of us really?), I am compelled to do what I came here to do – face my shadows, free myself of judgments, heal and become whole. There’s no time to waste. Though I’m still feeling good and free of symptoms from my original tumor, I recently discovered a hard, pea-sized bump under my skin that could be a giant pimple OR a life-threatening tumor (which would mean the cancer is spreading). I don’t know if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, a tumor out of a pimple, but either way, it is a burr under my saddle (yes, it is located in THAT region once again) reminding me that it’s clean-up time, it’s time to make peace with the many me’s that life is reflecting back to me.

Adding to this auspicious time, a friend sent me a reminder that something pretty potent is happening soon – the 21st of December is Winter Solstice AND a lunar eclipse, the first time these two events have coincided in hundreds of years. She wrote that this is “A powerful time to be introspective, thinking, meditating, imagining, giving ourselves full permission to dream, to fantasize about what we would want for ourselves if we could have anything at all, anything we’ve ever hoped for, before our time on this earth is complete.”

What I dream about is being free of judgments and having love and compassion in my heart for all the people in my life…but alas, saint I ain’t (as Tom’s father used to say). Just when I think I got all my wacky, quacky ducks in a row and feel like I’m doing pretty darn good spiritually, the universe sends me people who push my buttons and I am confronted with my judgments. Some of you might be currently experiencing this if you’re visiting family during this holiday season because, as Ram Dass once said, “If you think you are enlightened, go visit your family.”

Throughout the years I have drawn into my life charming, angry, defensive men. I’ve had judgments about these men and felt victimized by them. It was quite a surprise when I finally realized that little ol’ innocent me was also charming, angry and defensive. That was a shocker! These men were the perfect mirror for my disowned anger. Over the years I have been learning to love and integrate those parts of myself, finding that once anger is owned it transmutes into empowerment – the highest octave of anger is strength and power and setting healthy boundaries, without judgment. (This shift in me allowed the wondrous Tom to come into my life – he is the least angry man I have ever known).

I believe that empowerment begins with ownership. I recently saw actress Jenny McCarthy being interviewed on The View and she talked about her relationship with actor Jim Carrey (they recently separated after five years together). She talked about how she made a list of all the things that bothered her about him, and said when she read it she substituted ‘he’ with ‘I’. It helped her to see all the ways that SHE did what she was accusing him of doing. (She explained that this was based on Byron Katie’s work, the part where you take your thoughts and judgments and turn them around).

At this holy time of the year, I know that it’s all about wholeness – the words holy, whole, and health share the same root. My challenge and great desire is to be inclusive, all embracing and at one with everything in my life. The universe is currently obligingly gifting me with an opportunity to do this – lately I have been ‘spotting’ angry, defensive men and the women who love them. I witness myself clucking my tongue, judging them, wondering what THEY are doing in my life…and then I am reminded, “Mirrors mirrors all around, reflections of myself abound, what most wants to be loved is found in what I judge in you.” This is coming round again to be loved and healed and wholed.

Big breath of acceptance…yes, it is time to ‘reflect’, to face and embrace what life is mirroring back to me, and to imagine, to dream and envision what it would be like to be free of these judgments, to be whole, to be filled with love and compassion for myself and others. This is the Christmas mirror-cle I am hoping for this year. I’m singing, “Wholly wholly wholly, merciful and mighty, God in three persons, blessed many me’s (and you’s).”

I hope you are having a ‘wholly’ holiday season, loving the many hues of the many you’s that life is reflecting back to you. I’m wishing for you and for me a Christmas mirror-cle of peace, love and oneness.


Jan Jacobsen

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Dec 19 2009

Mirror-cle at the Button Factory – Issue #36

I imagine that many of you will be going home to spend time with your family during the holidays. For some of you that will be bliss, for others, not so much. My father died when I was 17 and my mother passed away a few years ago, but every year prior to that my sister and I and her children would go back to our childhood home in Mystic, Conn. and stay with my mother and brother for a week. I thought of it as going back to the button factory because that’s where all the buttons were installed.

It was my yearly exam where I’d get to put to use all my latest self-help tools. Ram Dass has said that if you think you’re enlightened, just go spend a week with your parents. Nevertheless, I’d always have high hopes and would be well-armed with my latest personal growth books, my meditation tapes, and an “I can do this” attitude. Things would go really well…for the first hour or two, sometimes even a day or two. But then sure enough my mom would criticize or hover and my buttons would be activated, and I’d be lost in the button factory.

One time during one of these visits I awoke in the middle of the night feeling distressed and I had an epiphany. I imagined my family asleep in their rooms and in the quiet space of the night I saw my mother’s critical nature that I judged, and I realized that I have a critical nature. I thought about my brother and how easily offended he was and thought, oh, I am easily offended. I took a good look at my sister’s people pleaser and realized, I’m a people pleaser at times. Everything I judged in them was in me. I had been judging in them what I hadn’t wanted to face in myself. It wasn’t just an intellectual awareness of it, it was a full body, full spirit experience of our interconnectedness. Instead of seeing me versus them, I was seeing me as them, and them as me. I experienced that we were part of the same whole, that we were one. I had to smile to myself when I really got that they were my mirrors. It was a mirror-cle moment.

I realized that the real test isn’t about seeing how long I can go without my buttons being pushed — the real test is being able to face and embrace all of my disowned, projected selves. It’s not about becoming perfect, it’s about becoming whole by loving and accepting all the many me’s that life is reflecting back to me, the meany me’s, the moody me’s, the messy me’s, and even the mighty me’s.

Sometimes in the early morning I’ll look over at my sleeping husband Tom and I’ll think to myself, “Wow, if everyone in my life is my mirror, then Tom is my mirror and I think Tom is wonderful, I think Tom is a beautiful soul. I see the beautiful soul in my family members as well. Since they are my mirrors, I must be a beautiful soul too. To be able to face and embrace THAT is truly the biggest mirror-cle of all.

Do you have beautiful souls in your life? That’s because you are one! Mirrors mirrors all around, reflections of your Self abound!

In Love,

Jan Jacobsen




I’m visiting my family, the button factory it’s called

because that’s where all of my buttons were installed.

My Mom’s buttin’ in and I feel appalled.

I’m buttoning my lip and try to hide that I’m galled.


My brother is so sensitive, so easily offended.

I tiptoe through the minefield, afraid I’ll be upended.

My sister is obsequious, and smiles through gritted teeth,

Hiding all her real feelings that lie underneath.


I’m trying to avoid my buttons being pushed.

I’m wrestling with my feelings and I am bushed.

I’m barely succeeding in holding my tongue,

when snap! I finally lose it and come all undone!


That shakes me awake and I begin to see

that everything I judge in them is also in me!

The button factory is like a house of mirrors

reflecting back to me all my disowned terrors.


As I face and embrace each rejected part

I experience my family with more love and heart.

I can see that we are parts of the same whole.

I can feel that we’re connected, that we are one soul.


Now the years have passed, and so has my mom

I miss the button factory, my childhood home.

But the buttons are still in me, letting me know

I need to love all parts of me, and let my judgments go.







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