Tag Archive 'fear'

Aug 30 2010

The Universe is Goosing Me! – Issue #58

“Our cells are constantly eavesdropping on our thoughts and being changed by them.” I love that quote by Deepak Chopra. It reminds me to be aware of my thoughts and the reality they are creating. Science has shown that our cells literally rearrange themselves according to our thoughts and attitudes. Our cells await our direction, and in the meantime they operate on old habitual programming.

I’m working with a cancer coach (consciouscancerjourney.com) who is providing me with tools that help me to intentionally create the life and state of being that I want. One of the tools is called Scripting, which involves taking time each morning to write down how I desire my day to go, to see my day and my health in positive possibilities as if it were already so. The physical act of writing these desires builds new neural pathways and my cells ‘eavesdrop’ on these affirmations and arrange themselves accordingly.

The days I have scripted have unfolded remarkably close to the script I laid out for that day. However, I was new to scripting and hadn’t made it a habit yet, and I started to forget to do it. Without conscious direction, old thought habits were starting to creep in. I recently awoke constricted in fear with a pain in my butt that had been aching throughout the night. This dull aching pain had been persistent lately. It is the same pain I’d once mistook for hemorrhoids, but my doctor told me that it is most probably referred pain from the site of the tumor. I’d been hoping that all my healing efforts were succeeding in eliminating or holding the cancer at bay (and that may be true, the pain could simply be referred pain from scar tissue from the radiation). However, fear of the worst-case scenario had me in its grip.

I fell into Tom’s arms as the ‘rains’ came, crying, naming my feelings and my worst fears. One of those is that I will die a painful, lingering death. I’m not afraid of death itself, but, as Woody Allen said, “I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” As I cried and acknowledged this fear, a clearing happened — the fear loosened its grip and the pain lessened, giving me the direct experience that fear makes the pain worse. When I’m tense and barely breathing, the pain increases, which makes me more tense, which makes the pain intensify, and so on until before I know it I’m all crunched up in a black hole of fear and pain.

I was feeling better and pain-free from ventilating my feelings, and continued to process with Tom. I told him that I’ve been thinking about going to a medical intuitive because I realize a part of me wants someone to see my energy field and recognize and acknowledge the value of my soul’s journey. I said to Tom, “I wonder what words I would love to hear her say? What higher truth would I love for her to see about me and this health challenge?” I imagined I was the medical intuitive telling me everything I’d love to hear. Here’s what ‘she’ told me:

“I see that you are a strong, courageous soul, facing your worst fears, making a stand in this lifetime to heal and integrate all of your unloved parts. I see your passion to become whole. I also see that you’ve already done a lot of work on yourself, healing yourself in many ways, and, now there is this one area that needs your loving attention. You are right where you’re supposed to be. You are loving yourself whole, and you are doing a great job!”

It’s natural for us to want all our hard work to be seen, and to have our magnificent Soul Self recognized and acknowledged by others — and, I realize that it’s most important that I recognize and acknowledge that about myself. Therefore, I’ve decided to include in my daily scripting an appreciation for the magnificence of my Big Soul Self.

During the day, if there is pain, I now use it to alert me that I’ve contracted into the little, fearful, pain-in-the-butt me, which reminds me to breathe, relax and return to the awareness of my Magnificent Big Soul Self! The pain is like the Universe goosing me, saying, “Unclench, breathe, stay awake and remember who you really are. Remember that you are loved and watched over. Remember that you are eternal. Remember that you are safe no matter what.” When I’m in that place of remembrance, I breathe easy, I relax, and the pain lessens or completely disappears.

One of my favorite passages from Bartholomew’s book, I Come As a Brother, is about putting fear into perspective. He says, “It is as though you injured your little finger but the rest of your body is all right…Isolate the fear into your ‘finger’ and call on the whole ‘body’ to clarify it.” I’m seeing the cancer in the same way – I’m putting it into perspective. It is not who I am, it is not all of me, it is not bigger than me; it is just a little bitty baby burr under my saddle reminding me to WAKE UP!

At this time I don’t know if the remaining tumor is shrinking, growing, spreading or staying the same. I know that I feel good physically (except for the occasional pain in the butt, which has lessened considerably). I am recovering from the chemo and radiation and feeling more strength and vitality every day. I have been scripting for that and it is so. I’ve now made the scripting a habitual part of my day and it has made a big difference in my sense of wellbeing, happiness and health.

Fear has been a ‘pain in the butt’ for me in this lifetime. I am facing and embracing it and using it to remind me that we are so much more than our bodies — we are big, bright, beautiful, eternal souls here to learn and grow and remember that we are big, bright, beautiful, eternal souls.

What script would you write for your ideal day? If someone could see who you really are — all your brilliance, all your hard work — what words of acknowledgement would you love to hear them say? Say them to yourself! Script them into your day. Then ‘goose’ yourself to stay awake and keep remembering all day long how magnificent, courageous and valuable you truly are!

In Love,

Jan Jacobsen

P.S.

Here is my scripting for today:

Today I am feeling healthy, strong and full of joy and vitality. I eat vibrant foods that add to my health and energy. I feel comfortable and peaceful in my body. I am excited to send out my newsletter, seeing it go out to many people who are inspired and uplifted by it. I look forward to it reaching thousands of people, being of service, reminding others and myself of our true self, our magnificent, beautiful Big Soul Selves. I feel connected to all these people, to all the people in my life, feeling our oneness. I remember throughout the day that I am loved and guided and safe. I feel my partnership with Spirit. Today I rest in a state of grace, where everything I need comes to me easily. I feel happy and inspired and revitalized.

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Feb 27 2010

Facing the Unfaceable – Ear Aches, Rear Aches & Fear Aches – Issue#44

I just came face to face with a massive issue I’ve been avoiding, and I have my butt to thank for it.

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time messing around on the computer, watching TV, and eating. I recently did something I haven’t done since my diagnosis and removal of cancer a year ago. I have been faithfully avoiding sugar (it feeds cancer) and dairy, but the other day I walked to the Fresco bakery (voted best desserts in Santa Barbara) and I got a big slice of berry pie with homemade whipped cream. I was proud of myself for bringing it home and sharing half of it with my husband Tom. Two days later I went back and got another yummy dessert (a caramelized banana marzipan flakey pastry), but this time I didn’t share it with Tom. I didn’t even tell him about it. It was a sweet, secret treat that I hoarded and hid and ate all by myself.

Big fat red flag! There have been other red flags that something was up, or held down, something I didn’t want to face. A few weeks ago I had a severe ear infection and blockage in my left ear with pain radiating into my neck and face. I couldn’t hear out of that ear and I felt unbalanced. In addition, for several weeks my butt has been unrelentingly aching with painful hemorrhoids (the grapes of wrath!) So I asked myself, “Your ear aches and your rear aches, what’s up with that?”

I’m taking antibiotics for my ear and it’s better. But the pain in my butt is not going away. My rear aches everyday, like a tiger’s got ME by the tail. The persistent pain scares me, with the thought that cancer is always a possibility. I tried to reassure myself that everyone gets hemorrhoids (it’s said that’s why Napoleon rode side saddle!) But then a lady from the community garden told me she had hemorrhoids and it turned out to be anal cancer. Oh My God, my worst fear! I googled anal cancer and hemorrhoids and my fear mushroomed.

Fear has taken over. I am out of balance — I’ve lost touch with my spirit. In trying to avoid this fear by distracting myself with TV, food, and the computer, I have also separated myself from my spirit. I have been spirited away by the addictive distractions that fill my day.

My ear aches and rear aches are fear aches. I’ve been tightly clenched, trying to push fear away, avoid it, sit on it. But once again I am reminded that when I try to sit on my feelings, they bite me in the butt! And it’s very painful! I am now willing to come face to face with my ear, rear, and fear aches.

Laying in the spaciousness of Tom’s arms, I let go and I let myself go into the depths of my fear and sadness about cancer. Even though it was removed, I have a creeping fear that it will return. I face into the surprising awareness that a part of me would rather die than to go through more cancer, pain, hospitals, expense, needles, knives, blood, and fear!

I cried and released and unwound my pain, and then…I became aware of Tom holding me, and I felt the sweet space he was providing me, and I suddenly remembered how I used to cry and feel this deep despair years ago when I felt so alone in the world. Now here I was with Tom. My eyes opened wide, taking in this present moment where I was held and loved. I awakened to this wonderful moment and I smiled, happy to be alive, feeling my feelings fully, in the spaciousness of the here and now with this beautiful man.

I can see that my butt has been aching to communicate with me, trying to tell me, “Get off your butt. Take walks in nature. Reconnect with your spirit.” My hemorrhoids feel better when I’m moving, walking and breathing fully, and they hurt when I’m sitting around distracting myself with mindless, breathless activities.

I am hereby committing to reconnect with my spirit, to meditate, to walk in nature, to call my doctor, to face my fear, to breathe fully and recommit to life.

Later today Tom and I are going for a walk in nature. We’re going back to the Botanic Garden where I haven’t been since the Jesusita Fire ravaged it several months ago. I haven’t wanted to see it’s marred beauty — I didn’t want to face it. Today I am willing to face everything.

How about you — is there something you haven’t wanted to face? Have you been distracting yourself? Is the universe probing you with aches and pains and discomforts to wake you up? Nestle into the spacious embrace of the present moment and let it all hang out. You will feel so much better afterward.

In Love,

Jan Jacobsen

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Aug 05 2009

Be Aware (not Beware) of Unexpected Visitors – Issue #22

I’ve been waking up in the morning for the last few days with some nasty bug bites on my body. Not many, four so far, but they are big, red and painful. Last night I was afraid to fall asleep, thinking that IT, whatever it is, would come out in the dark of night when I’m sleeping and vulnerable and bite me again! I’m thinking it may be one of those big, thick, gnarly-looking black spiders. I imagine it cunningly waiting for me to fall asleep so it can crawl onto my body and sink its’ fangs into me like a mini vampire. Is it any wonder that I was wide awake until 3 in the morning!?

I believe that life is a mirror, and that whatever shows up in my life is reflecting some part of me. I asked myself what this is trying to tell me. The thought came to me…something is ‘eating’ at me. What is it? I sat with that question for a few seconds and then I realized what it is – I am afraid that cancer may still be lurking in my life, waiting to take a bite out of me, or it may already be gnawing away in the dark unknown of my internal body. Cancer is something that literally eats at us – it ate my uterus!

I had decided to try and stop dwelling on it, like my brother who stopped thinking about his brain aneurysm and it eventually calcified. But there is a very fine line between not dwelling on something and repressing it. How do you know when you have let something go or are just whistling in the dark? For me, that’s easy – sitting on my feelings is very much like accidentally sitting on my felines – they very quickly bite me in the butt and I am forced to face them.

As I am now facing my fears, I realize once again that the worst part of cancer for me is the anxiety about it. That is what I am resisting, that is what was eating at me like a spider in the black night. What I resist persists, in one form or another.

Now that I’ve brought my creepy crawly thoughts into the light of awareness, it ‘s time to do some Mental Aikido with them, coming into alignment with them, telling myself, “I know that you’re scared. It’s okay to feel scared. Let yourself feel it. It is natural to feel scared about cancer. It’s something we don’t have much control over. That is scary.” Deeper breaths come as I allow the fear and I am ready for the uptwist. “It’s true that cancer might reoccur, AND, right now you are fine, right now you are healthy and strong and right now is all there is.” I take a big breath into open space.

I am accepting that fear is a recurring visitor to my life, a teacher that is helping me strengthen my faith muscles, build my ‘trust’ fund, and create a belief in a friendly universe. It is also teaching me to feel compassion for myself and for others who suffer with fear and anxiety. I want to hug us all in love and strength and say, “Yes, I know what that feels like. I understand. Just know that we are so much bigger than our fear. We are so much vaster than a body. We are so loved and watched over.” Fully feeling my fear always leads to feeling the loving presence of my Big Soul Self.

Is there something in your life that is trying to get your attention, something that is ‘bugging’ you, some disowned part of you that is eating at you? Shine the light of awareness on it, and invite it to the party – there’s plenty of space for all of God’s critters that show up.

THE GUEST HOUSE by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,?

Some momentary awareness comes?

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!?

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,?

Who violently sweep your house?

Empty of its furniture,?

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out?

For some new delight.

 

In Love,

Jan Jacobsen

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Jul 03 2009

Can You Hear Me Now? – Issue #18

I’ve been immersing myself this week in news about Michael Jackson, planting myself like a vegetable in front of the television and the computer, reading about and relating to his anxiety and insomnia, and the drugs he used to relieve them. My 3-month checkup at the cancer center is due, and I’ve been feeling anxious, unable to sleep and have been “drugging” myself with television and the Michael Jackson drama. The immersion distracts and disconnects me from my fear, but it also disconnects me from my spirit. The voice of my higher self, growing ever fainter in the distance, is saying, “Move your body. Take a walk.” I move my body over to the couch, pick up the remote control and search for more MJ news.

I can see how being stuck in the contracted energy of fear has kept me from doing my daily disciplines of dancing and walking, actions which help me connect with my spirit. It’s like when we lose connection on our cell phone – in order to reestablish connection we need to keep moving to another position, asking, “Can you hear me now?” until the reception is clear. I have lost clear connection with my spirit, but my spirit hasn’t moved out of range of reception – I have, by numbing my fear with hours of escapist drama.

I’m aware that whenever I feel occasional twinges of pain, fear is activated and my worried mind asks, “What is that? Is it cancer?” Fear is like a barking dog, barking at the slightest noise. The barking is now waking me up, reminding me that I have moved out of range of my higher voice – reminding me that it’s time to take my inner barking dog for a walk in nature and get reconnected to my spirit – taking my God for a walk. When I change my position and move my body, I get unstuck and  can then hear the voice of my higher self, reminding me, “You are safe. You are so much more than a body, so much vaster than your fear.” That helps put the fear into perspective – it’s just a little bitty scared dog nipping at my heels.

Anticipating my checkup, I literally shake my body like a dog shakes water from its fur. Shaking helps release the grip of fear. As I nervously sat on the exam table waiting for the doctor to come in, I acknowledged to myself, “I feel scared.” That always invites a big spacious breath. Then I affirmed, “I am so much more than a body.” I imagined the vastness of my spirit inside and all around me, and I calmed down. When the doctor examined me and said, “You’re fine. I’ll see you in 3 months,” I was tail-waggin’ happy!

Deepak Chopra said that when his friend Michael Jackson danced on stage, “It was there that he was no longer a person in emotional distress, but instead someone dancing in the world of the spirits.” Dancing, shimmying, shaking, moving our bodies helps loosen the grip of fear and allows us to reconnect with our spirit.

Fear is a great motivator – it is designed to be compelling in order to get us to take survival action in the form of fight or flight or freeze…or take ‘thrival’ action by facing into the fear, feeling it fully, and therefore freeing ourselves from it. I have felt compelled this week to face my fear, feel it, and free my body to move into a place where the reception is strong and clear. My higher self asks, “Can you hear me now?” “Yes, I can hear you now.”

What is your current response to fear? How do you connect with your spirit? Is the reception clear? Is it time for some movin’ and groovin’ to the tune of your higher self?

In Love,

Jan Jacobsen

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