Mar 24 2009
The mind is like a crazed acrobat, tumbling from thought to thought, leaping to conclusions. I’ve been witnessing my mind tumbling about trying to figure things out and find answers. It wants to know, how did I end up with uterine cancer? Could it be the occasional sugar? The dairy? The aspartame? Or is it because I’m uptight; or more accurately, downtight? (as in anal retentive.) – did I block the flow of chi down there? Or could it be that my laptop sitting on my lap is frying my innards, doing the lap dance of death!?
Who knows why things happen. The only thing I can know for certain is this…it happened. It is what it is. I am open to learning and seeing my part in things; but I am becoming more interested right now in learning the fine art of acceptance. Now is all there is, and this is what’s Now. There is no right or wrong – just Isness, Suchness (not suckness). Buddha called this state Tatata. I want to live in this state. I am packing up my baggage and moving to Tatata, the golden state of harmony with whatever Is!
I’m leaving behind self blame, trying to figure things out, and regret. They are not useful. Much suffering is caused by resisting what is happening. It’s like trying to resist a tornado – it’s only going to mess you up! When I accept what is happening and say, “Oh, this is interesting – I wonder what I can learn from it?” I come into harmony with it and it lands me in the wonderful land of Is. When I’m focused on learning and growing, then every experience is perfect.
This morning I had my anxiously awaited appointment with the oncologist to consult and set the date of the operation. When I got there they told me that they don’t have my name down! At first I cried – it felt good, it released tension. Then, I could feel the downward vortex, circling the drain energy, wanting to poor me down the drain, wanting to blame and complain and shame and call names (stupid gyno said he made the appointment!)
Instead, I took a detour from the downward drain. I talked to myself, “It’s okay to feel scared and angry. Let yourself feel it.” Then I was ready to return to the state of Is – It is what it Is. Breathe. Accept. This moment is perfect just as it is. (This ended up being a perfect Is example for this newsletter! And they rescheduled me for later today.)
The mind always wants to know, “Is this a good thing? Is this a bad thing?” Byron Katie has written that when people used to say “Namaste” to her, she thought they were saying “No mistake”. My appendix burst seven months ago. That could have killed me…or it could have saved my life. The CT scan they did for my appendix showed that my uterus was abnormal. That led to the discovery of the uterine cancer.
My brother found out he had an inoperable brain aneurysm. He thought his life was over. It had just begun! He quit his job, bought a sailboat and now, 8 years later, is enjoying life on his boat in the Caribbean Islands, thriving and living his dream.
“Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over, it became a butterfly.”
My husband Tom is cultivating rich soil in his garden plot. It contains compost from rotted produce and horse manure. He treats these ingredients like precious gold. He knows they will help his garden grow the most nutritious, delicious food. Cancer has composted a rich and fertile soil for me, from which is sprouting much creativity, inspiration, and learning. (It’s a fertile time or it’s a shitty time; same substance, different attitude).
The best part about being in harmony with what is, it hooks me up with the Universal flow. Once I am in the energy of acceptance, I am in a state of grace where things I need flow to me easily, and everything works out better than I could imagine. Rich gifts are coming my way: the love of friends, the best doctors and nurses, financial assistance, and powerful learning and healing on a deep level. Open is open. When I let go of resistance and open to what is, I am open to receive love, guidance and miracles.
Brick by golden brick I’m building my home base in Tatata. I sometimes take little side trips to Self-Pity City, and am hijacked occasionally by little cyclones of anger, sadness and fear. Accepting what is happening includes accepting the feelings that come up about it. These feelings are like bulls in a pen, snorting and pawing the ground – when they are accepted as part of what is and allowed to be there, then the gate opens, freeing them to roam the big spacious field of awareness, where eventually they calm down and become one with the field.
“Out beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field; I’ll meet you there.” (Rumi)
Right Here and Now there is a field of awareness where everything is welcome; there’s plenty of room for All that shows up.
Are you living in the golden state of Tatata? It is a beautiful, spacious place to live. (And it’s so much fun saying Tatata!) To get there, just click your heels together, take deep slow breaths of acceptance and say, “There’s no place like Here. There’s no place like Now.” That will always bring you back Home again.
No responses yet