Mar 14 2010
Wednesday I was stunned to hear from my oncologist the words that I most feared, “Your cancer has returned.” An oblong tumor, bigger than a golf ball, is growing between my vagina and rectum, causing the pain that I mistook for hemorrhoids. I am surfing tsunamis of sadness, fear, and disbelief, as well as a spiritual uprising. I feel galvanized into the present moment as I watch myself alternate between fight, flight and light.
My oncologist said that I have a 50% chance of survival with chemo and radiation. I told him I was considering doing alternative treatments instead. He folded his arms and told me that I then would have a zero percent chance.
I just finished reading Suzanne Somers book “Knockout” that has interviews with alternative doctors who are having success with their treatments. She builds a case that opposes radiation and chemo, saying they do more harm than good, pointing out that many conventional doctors don’t have the big picture, they have only been trained to see cutting, burning or poisoning as a way to deal with cancer.
I am aware that I have a distrust and fear of doctors from early childhood traumas. I saw the plates of sugar cookies in the Cancer Center waiting room, and my distrust intensified — don’t they know that sugar feeds cancer?
As I explore my relationship with doctors and hospitals, I see that I hold a feeling of being victimized and wronged by them, and a belief that they make things worse. There were lots of balls dropped in my cancer diagnosis that delayed treatment by a year. I also have a belief that cutting into the cancer for a biopsy makes it spread. And then there’s the thievery of hospitals price gouging and charging exorbitant fees. Why is a CT scan $4000?!
I feel mad, sad and scared about doctors and hospitals. The memory just came to me of getting my tonsils out when I was five years old, having a bad dream, apparently making noises, and the nurse was angrily slapping me, telling me to shut up. I want to go back and slap that nurse!
This unresolved fear and anger has been making me want to build a case for alternative and against conventional treatment. I can see that the Knockout book’s prejudice against chemo and radiation and saying that it doesn’t work is just like my oncologist saying that alternative treatments don’t work. It is black and white thinking. It is a dueling duality. Alternative treatments do work for some, and chemo and radiation does work for some as well.
I’ve been demonizing chemo and radiation to bolster my case for doing alternative treatment. I thought my resolve was coming from a conscious, higher place, yet I see that it was my ego disguised as my higher self, putting the ‘con’ in conscious. It was my fear-based, victimized ego righteously choosing alternative treatments over that evil, greedy, life debilitating conventional medical model. (Thank you Diana Chapman for alerting me to my con).
I need to clear this childhood trauma and prejudice so that I can make a decision from the big picture, rather than the little case that my ego has built.
What I know for sure is that I have a very strong spirit. I look at Tom and am reminded that I can create miracles. For most of my life I had an emotional blockage in my heart, I didn’t love myself, and didn’t believe anyone could ever love me. Then I decided, “I want to have love in my life. I am willing to do whatever it takes.” And I did it! I cleared the blockage in my heart and learned to love myself and let love in and this miracle called Tom came into my life.
This cancer represents to me the blockage of fear, distrust, and resentment that is within me. My work is to face, embrace and heal this blockage. I am very clear that if I do check out I want to check out without any emotional baggage. I think that’s why I’m here. I know that’s what I feel passionate about. My soul is saying, “You can do this!”
I’m choosing to think of cancer as a growth (opportunity). I’m all about growth and I intend to go for the most conscious growth I can get out of this growth!
Thank you for being on this journey with me. I feel your love and concern and it brings me such joy to think that my experience and insights can be of benefit to you in some way.
Is there a growth opportunity in your life that you’re seeing as a problem? Much light and love to you and to me as we grow to our highest potential.
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