May 04 2015

How I Learned to Love Myself – Issue #111

Posted at 7:04 pm under Enlightenink Newsletters

One night about 20 years ago I went to bed wondering what I was here to do in this life. Was I doing what I was supposed to be doing? Was I doing enough? The next morning I awoke with these words resounding in my mind, “All you have to do in your whole life is to love yourself. That is all you have to do.”

I was in my early forties and I decided it was time to take a break from relationships with men and devote my time to learning to love myself. Other people take their cue from how we regard ourselves and men were reflecting back to me my own ‘not-good-enough’ self-image. I finally realized that I was the one I had been waiting for–I was the source of love for me. It was time to heal my belief that I was unlovable.

I had a friend who was petite and beautiful with a charming personality. Yet, like me, she had the “unlovable” wound and chose men who didn’t love her. She asked me, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find a man who’ll love me? Maybe it’s because I’m too short?” I had another friend who was tall and gorgeous but also had the “unlovable” wound and she asked me the same question. “What’s wrong with me? Maybe it’s because I’m too tall.” I had to laugh. The Universe was reflecting back to me so clearly that nothing was wrong with them or me. We just had a belief that we were unlovable and we MANifested that belief. I kept reminding myself that it was only a belief, a habit thought, it’s not written in stone throughout all eternity. Any habit can be broken.

To help me to deprogram my unlovability brainlock, I started using something called Yes Sets, an Ericksonian hypnosis technique. You say a series of ‘yeses’ about things you know are true and then piggyback onto them the new desired, related belief. One set of ‘yeses’ I used was, “Yes, there’s plenty of blue sky for everyone. Yes, there’s plenty of air for everyone. Yes, there’s plenty of love for everyone. Yes, there’s plenty of love for me.”

Another set of ‘yeses’ was, “Yes, I have friends who love me just the way I am. Yes, I am a wonderful friend and spiritual learning partner. Yes, I know there are men who would love to have a fabulous spiritual partner. Yes, I know there are men who would love to have me as a partner.” Everyday I would take walks affirming these yeses; I’d heard that when you’re walking or moving while doing affirmations, the new beliefs would imprint and stick more effectively.

I set my watch to beep once an hour to remind me to take a breath and say, “I am loved” and to generate that feeling of being loved. I had a friend who said his watch beeped every hour, but it just reminded him that he’s an idiot because he didn’t know how to turn it off. We choose what belief we want to program and reinforce.

I started listening to Sanaya Roman’s Self-Love tapes and her Attracting Your Soul Mate tape. I used visualization and fantasy everyday to embody the felt sense of being loved and valued. I went on “Yes” walks and affirmed my new image; I affirmed that I was appreciated, and thought of ways that was already true; I thought of the people in my life who treasured me and I focused on all the things I valued about myself.

One of the most important ways I was learning to cultivate self-love was in the way I talked to myself during the day. Ultimately, our primary relationship is with ourselves, and the quality of our life is determined by how we talk to ourselves all day. Our own inner voice is the only thing that is with us all the time. Our habitual thoughts go round and round like hamsters on a wheel. It was important to notice my pre-programmed negative thoughts and replace them with loving thoughts.

I started talking to myself the way I wanted to be talked to. I was being my own dear lover; I was being the relationship that I wanted to have in my life. I began calling myself “honey” and “sweetheart”. “What would you like for lunch today, honey? You can have anything you want, sweetheart.” I would also say affirmations such as, “I know who I am.” “I am a beautiful soul.” “I love myself just the way I am.”

I listened to love songs on the radio and imagined it was my Higher Self singing to me.  I also put a picture of myself as a child on my wall to remind me how lovable I was. Seeing the sweet face of my child reminded me to talk lovingly to her, to myself, since she was still in me. I began talking to my emotions in the same way. A lot of us, when we were children, didn’t have anyone there to listen to our feelings, so they became stuck in us. I was learning to put these feelings on my lap like beloved children, give them a hug and let them express themselves. They just wanted to be held and heard. As I did this I was re-parenting myself.

I started to fall in love with myself, and eventually a man who matched that vibration showed up in my life, proving…if you build the energy of love, love will come.

In Love,

Jan Jacobsen

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