I’ve been thinking about birth lately. My 60th birthday is about a week away and I’m choosing to see it as a time of rebirth. I’ve been wondering, what wants to be born into my next decade on planet earth? When I turned 50 I began a new life with Tom, my life partner. I had been single most of my life so it was a major shift for me. I deeply desired it and that is the beginning of any birth process. First there’s desire, then being able to conceive it is possible, then labor (taking action), and finally the Universe delivered to me a beautiful, bouncing babe of a man named Tom and a healthy, happy, thriving relationship that is now ten years old! As the big 6-0 approaches, I’m wondering, what wants to be born next?
Another reason I’ve been thinking about birth is because something has been growing in my uterus. Ultrasounds have shown that it has doubled in size in this past year filling the uterine cavity. I appreciated the symbolism of something growing in my uterus and something wanting to be born into my life. I was hoping it was just a benign polyp, as it appeared to be a year ago. On Friday my doctor did a procedure called a hysteroscopy where he went into my uterus with a tiny camera to determine what was growing. He took out some to biopsy. He said it appeared fluffy, like cotton balls, and was “99% certain that it was cancerous.” Yesterday he confirmed that it is cancer. That was not what I wanted to hear. This seemed like something to be borne, instead of a new life being born. (Fortunately it appears to be in an early stage).
When I was first told that I should have this hysteroscopic procedure, I wanted to put it off – it was expensive (outpatient), and invasive. I wanted to try alternative methods instead. But persistent thoughts about my mother (who is deceased) kept hovering in my mind, nudging me to take medical action. That’s something I know she would want me to do. I finally decided to make an appointment with the doctor and the date for the consult just happened to land on my mother’s birthday!
Since hearing that it was cancer I’ve been feeling contractions of fear, and urges to curl up into the fetal position. Yet awareness tells me that contractions precede birth; contractions lead to expansions. I know from experience that any feeling fully felt and experienced always leads to expansion. So, just like in childbirth, I’ve been breathing into these fear contractions, feeling them fully, allowing them to be here. Eventually that brought me to a more expanded place.
In that expanded place a strong awareness and desire came to me – I know what wants to be born into my life – I want to write. I want to put my writing into a form and send it out into the world. I want to be of service by sharing my living, loving, laughing, and learning about life’s luminous (and sometimes lousy) lessons. That’s the reason for this birth announcement – I have birthed my first newsletter and am sending it out into the world!
I didn’t think I’d ever get cancer. I have always been terrified of the thought of cancer. I still can’t quite believe it. I didn’t think I’d be giving birth to my entire uterus (via hysterectomy)! Some babies really suck, and this is one big sucky turn of events. But even though I am sometimes a big baby full of fears and tears, I also have a big brave nurturing soul that embraces all that shows up. I know that whatever happens in my life is all about my soul growth. I will nurture the most growth I can from this, and all the other life lessons that come my way. I intend to share them in these e-newsletters (and in booklets and e-books).
As I sign off today I want to leave you with a question: What contractions are you feeling in your life? What gestating dream of yours is ready to be born? I’m wishing you a joyful “birth” and that your contractions shift easefully into expansion!