Oct 26 2010
Right now I don’t know what the state of my cancer is, and I don’t want to know. Not knowing helps keep me focused on hope and healing. For the most part I feel fine, I am going about my life, doing my alternative treatments and thinking that maybe I’m going to be okay. I’ve taken up residence in the miracle prone zone, visualizing health and wholeness. There’s a bumper sticker that says, “Expect miracles.” I am expecting a miracle – that is, most of me is…then there’s the rest of me.
That’s the thing about not knowing for sure. There are times when I think I might be whistling in the dark, fooling myself, and I wonder if I’m living in a miracle or a mirage? Sometimes I’ll be going along doing just fine, then something happens that triggers a flood of fear and sadness as the awareness hits me, “I have cancer.”
I recently went to Pizza Guru (One with Everything) and had an unexpected melt down. I was happy to find a pizza place that used whole wheat crust. I’ve been staying away from white foods like bread, rice and pasta because when eaten they quickly turn into sugar, which feeds cancer. But when I arrived to pick up my pizza, I realized I’d forgotten to specify whole wheat crust and my pizza had white crust. I told the girl, “I can’t eat white,” and suddenly tears started rolling down my face. The poor girl thought I was crying about white crust, when actually I was struck with the deep sadness that I may have a terminal illness.
As they were making me a new pizza with whole wheat crust, I sat in the sanctuary of my car and let the dam burst — I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It felt so good to let it out, like releasing emotional gas that had built up. As always, clarity, peace and calm followed and I became One with everything. Like Seth says, “Any feeling fully felt and experienced always leads you back to love.”
I recently joined a women’s empowerment group, which is a way to state my intention to the universe that I want to be here, on this planet, in this earthsuit known as Janet, to continue learning, growing, healing and helping. At first I held back sharing my circumstances with them, afraid that once I named it I’d be swept away in a river of tears. When I told them, sure enough the floods came, but passed through quickly, and once again I came to a place of calm strength.
Some people say you need to be 100% positive in order to manifest the positive results you want. They say don’t even think about cancer, don’t envision it, don’t give it energy. I can understand that reasoning, I know that what we focus on grows. But, at the same time, what we resist persists, and completely ignoring it turns it into the boogey man. Trying to wall it off and will it away is like pushing down a Jack-in-the-Box that will eventually POP UP with a big bad BOO! Or a big sad BOO HOO!
There are others, like Abraham Hicks and Bartholomew, who say that all you need is to be 51% positive, and that shifts the balance into an optimistic view and outcome. I can do that — I can do 51%. I’m learning that I can also welcome whatever feelings want to pop up, stop in, and pass through, even the BIG boo’s and boo-hoos. I trust that the fears and tears I thought might drown me DO move through easily when I allow them free passage, without resistance and story, bringing me to an empowered place of wholeness.
With Halloween approaching, it’s the perfect time for embracing our shadows, to bring them into the light and play with them. It’s a great time to dress up as our worst fears, our disowned parts, including our brilliance. Maybe I’ll dress up as a ravenous tumor, or the Grim Reaper, or the Queen of Denial, or…as a Pizza, One with Everything.
Do you have feelings you fear will engulf you if you let them out? I encourage you to invite them to the party, welcome your worst fears and highest aspirations and announce yourself as, “Party of ONE!”