Archive for March, 2010

Mar 20 2010

Hand in Hand with my Big Soul Self – Issue #46

On Thursday I consulted with alternative Dr. Issel in Santa Barbara about my recurring uterine cancer. I told him that 3 months ago my gynecologist didn’t feel any mass inside me, and now I have a tumor bigger than a golf ball. He was alarmed that it had grown so large in such a short time and said I needed to do something immediately. Even though he favors an alternative approach, he said this is like a train and it needs to be stopped. He suggested that chemo and radiation might stop the train, at least temporarily. And then do the alternative. PANIC!

I’d been straddling the fence between alternative and conventional, but this pushed me over. Toxic poisoning be damned, I’ve got a train roaring up my butt! Tom got me an appointment the next day to get a PET CT scan (he found a relatively low-priced one in Ventura). That is the first step that needs to happen before we can proceed.

This week I also saw Pam Oslie, a trusted Santa Barbara psychic, and she told me she saw the little girl in me who was scared and unhappy with life and didn’t want to be here and wanted to go Home. I’m well aware of her, I have always had one foot out the door. As a child the world seemed an unfriendly place with a cold, critical mother and a distant father. Even though I am so happy now in my life with Tom, and despite all the work I’ve done on this, that part of me still exists.

Pam said I needed to convince little Janny that life is good now and we want to be here…or else little Janny is going to go Home and take me with her. She’s a powerful little thing! On my wall I put a picture of myself when I was two years old with my round baby face and wispy blonde hair. Next to it I put a picture of Tom when he was two. Little Tommy is looking over at little Janny with a twinkle in his eyes and a sweet smile on his face. Janny looks like she’s been crying, she looks mad, sad, and scared. I look at her and say, “Look who’s next to you. He’s really nice and fun. He really loves you a lot. He’s taking good care of you. He wants you to stay and be with him.”

Yesterday while driving with Tom to get the PET CT scan, Janny was nervous, terrified of clinics and hospitals, she would rather die than go to those scary, pain inflicting places. My big soul self takes little Janny by the hand — we are going through this together. In the waiting room I held her in my lap and kept talking to her. “I’m here with you, I’m taking good care of you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You can trust me. It’s okay to let yourself feel scared, or mad, or sad. I’m not afraid of your feelings. You can feel anything you want.”

The nurse who was performing the scan was nice, her name was Janet like mine, and her middle name was Lee also like mine. (Turns out that our fathers had a thing for actress Janet Leigh). As she was about to inject the material into a vein in my hand, Janny clenched in fear. I talked to her, “This is a nice lady, she’s here to help us.” Feeling a slight prick, “There, that wasn’t too bad, was it? We can do this.”

I imagine that the solution that is coursing through my body is friendly, is here to help me. I know that how I think and feel about something affects me more than the thing itself. If I imagine it as toxic and fear it, then that thought will make it more toxic. If I imagine it as healing and helpful, it will be received by my body in that way.

I was then led into a warm, small, dimly lit room and laid down on a comfortable cushy chair and told to relax for 45 minutes not moving as the potion moved through my body. I held little Janny in my lap, imagining that healing light was filling us and surrounding us. “This is nice, isn’t it? Peaceful.” This was a time to really talk to her. Thinking of sweet Tom in the waiting room I said, “Look who we’re with, a wonderful man. And we’re having so much fun with him and he loves us just the way we are. We’re learning so much together. We have fabulous friends, and live in a beautiful place. Life is really good now. We’ve found our way to a safe and happy place.”

As I’m lying there a fart escapes me, and little Janny clenches in a fear and shame reflex. What if the nurse comes in and smells it!? Hearing my mother say “Ish.” I learned to feel embarrassed and ashamed about this part of my body and have always been downtight (maybe the lack of chi and life force in that area has contributed to the problems I am now having). I say to Janny, “That was so good that you let that out! Good girl.” I smiled, imagining angels applauding. Little Janny started to relax on my lap, breathing softly, then farted again. The angels cheered and applauded wildly.

Janet Lee comes in and leads me to the CT scan where I lay down and with arms over my head I surrender and am slowly rolled into this box. I close my eyes, afraid of tight spaces, I’m in a bit of panic. I open my eyes and see the top is just inches away. It feels like a coffin. (Note to self: Cremation). Breathing slowly, I become my big soul self, holding this scared child, loving her, talking to her gently and sprinkling us with healing, shimmering white light. We actually relax and almost nod off in this enveloping box.

After a half hour, Janet Lee rolls me out and sends me on my way, telling me, “Don’t go near little children for the rest of the day, since you’re radioactive.” I smile to myself, walking out hand in hand with my little girl, glowing as I reconnect with my beloved Tom in the waiting room. This was a healing experience for me.

I meet with my oncologist on Wednesday and he will tell me the results of the scan. Has this spread to other parts of my body? I am scared. I don’t know if I’m going to do chemo or radiation or alternative treatment. I do know that I will be immersed in my big soul self, embracing and loving little Janny, loving my fear, loving this life, and letting in all the love that is coming my way. Thank you all for your love and support.

Is there a part of you that could use a hug right now? Breathe into your big soul self and embrace all your wounded little ones, as we love, hug, and heal ourselves into wholeness.

In Love,
Jan Jacobsen

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Mar 14 2010

My Worst Fear — Another Growth (Opportunity) Issue #45

Wednesday I was stunned to hear from my oncologist the words that I most feared, “Your cancer has returned.” An oblong tumor, bigger than a golf ball, is growing between my vagina and rectum, causing the pain that I mistook for hemorrhoids. I am surfing tsunamis of sadness, fear, and disbelief, as well as a spiritual uprising. I feel galvanized into the present moment as I watch myself alternate between fight, flight and light.

My oncologist said that I have a 50% chance of survival with chemo and radiation. I told him I was considering doing alternative treatments instead. He folded his arms and told me that I then would have a zero percent chance.

I just finished reading Suzanne Somers book “Knockout” that has interviews with alternative doctors who are having success with their treatments. She builds a case that opposes radiation and chemo, saying they do more harm than good, pointing out that many conventional doctors don’t have the big picture, they have only been trained to see cutting, burning or poisoning as a way to deal with cancer.

I am aware that I have a distrust and fear of doctors from early childhood traumas. I saw the plates of sugar cookies in the Cancer Center waiting room, and my distrust intensified — don’t they know that sugar feeds cancer?

As I explore my relationship with doctors and hospitals, I see that I hold a feeling of being victimized and wronged by them, and a belief that they make things worse. There were lots of balls dropped in my cancer diagnosis that delayed treatment by a year. I also have a belief that cutting into the cancer for a biopsy makes it spread. And then there’s the thievery of hospitals price gouging and charging exorbitant fees. Why is a CT scan $4000?!

I feel mad, sad and scared about doctors and hospitals. The memory just came to me of getting my tonsils out when I was five years old, having a bad dream, apparently making noises, and the nurse was angrily slapping me, telling me to shut up. I want to go back and slap that nurse!

This unresolved fear and anger has been making me want to build a case for alternative and against conventional treatment. I can see that the Knockout book’s prejudice against chemo and radiation and saying that it doesn’t work is just like my oncologist saying that alternative treatments don’t work. It is black and white thinking. It is a dueling duality. Alternative treatments do work for some, and chemo and radiation does work for some as well.

I’ve been demonizing chemo and radiation to bolster my case for doing alternative treatment. I thought my resolve was coming from a conscious, higher place, yet I see that it was my ego disguised as my higher self, putting the ‘con’ in conscious. It was my fear-based, victimized ego righteously choosing alternative treatments over that evil, greedy, life debilitating conventional medical model. (Thank you Diana Chapman for alerting me to my con).

I need to clear this childhood trauma and prejudice so that I can make a decision from the big picture, rather than the little case that my ego has built.

What I know for sure is that I have a very strong spirit. I look at Tom and am reminded that I can create miracles. For most of my life I had an emotional blockage in my heart, I didn’t love myself, and didn’t believe anyone could ever love me. Then I decided, “I want to have love in my life. I am willing to do whatever it takes.” And I did it! I cleared the blockage in my heart and learned to love myself and let love in and this miracle called Tom came into my life.

This cancer represents to me the blockage of fear, distrust, and resentment that is within me. My work is to face, embrace and heal this blockage. I am very clear that if I do check out I want to check out without any emotional baggage. I think that’s why I’m here. I know that’s what I feel passionate about. My soul is saying, “You can do this!”

I’m choosing to think of cancer as a growth (opportunity). I’m all about growth and I intend to go for the most conscious growth I can get out of this growth!

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I feel your love and concern and it brings me such joy to think that my experience and insights can be of benefit to you in some way.

Is there a growth opportunity in your life that you’re seeing as a problem? Much light and love to you and to me as we grow to our highest potential.

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